I love dildos. You love dildos. Hell, your dad probably loves them too! They’re simple, easy to clean(most of the time), and don’t come with any expectations. Plus, when you’re done with them, you can just put them in a drawer and focus on yourself again.
At Kinky Miss Quinn’s Elite Phone Sex, to us, that means they’re worth investing in, and with my passion for hard-working individuals in the sex industry, I prefer to buy from a small business than a factory. Etsy is a fantastic place to start.
Today I’m going to list my top five Etsy finds. I’ve ranked them based on a few aspects, including: how hard I orgasmed while using them, how my pets enjoyed them, ease of use, price, and design. Let’s dive in!
5. Custom Silicone Dildo Tongue by ivytoys $84.62
This golden-tongued boy feels delicious. The curve is perfect for teasing your g-spot, clit, or even prostate. Angle it any way you like and you’ll find yourself in Nirvana as the bumps running the length stimulate you gently. It’s only about 7 inches long, so it’s perfect for couple’s who enjoy extreme toying.
ivytoys has a lot of other great fetish dildos too. If you enjoy xenoplay, you’re going to love their selection! And almost everything is customizable. My toy arrived 10 days after purchase, and since they’re located in Germany, that’s pretty impressive! Totally worth it!
A UV dildo had been on my wishlist for a long time before I happened across this beauty. He’s everything I’d ever imagined out of my steamy werebear novellas, and more! That he’s already named is also really convenient to me. Do you know how insane I feel when I stare at my dildos for hours trying to figure out what to call them?
But how does it play? Very nicely. I ordered the medium size and can really go to town with this toy without banging into my cervix too brutally. If you are specifically looking for that sensation though, don’t fret! RareBirdSilicone has you covered! Bernhardt comes in large for $115 and he’s just as handsome!
I was looking more for an angled toy than a cervix-smasher when I picked Bernhardt and he delivers a brutal punch! The wide head opened me up so much that I came in moments the first time I played with him. This has actually become my go-to dildo for anal play with my submissives, too.
The base fits snugly into my strapon, and they go fucking wild for it! Add in a buttplug tail and a mask and you’ve got one hell of a party!
3. Geode Dildos by FormFunctionLLC $82
Ouch! Right?! Not really. These unique showpieces are made of silicone, though they make great visual stimulus for Mistresses intimidating their pets.
Even though they’re made of flexible silicone and not crystal, I do recommend external use for women. Add some lube and run it up and down your clit and labia and you’ll be writhing in pleasure. The seller suggests using a condom for internal use, and having tried it for myself, I agree.
Masochists: Ignore everything I just said. You’re going to love the edge of discomfort this thing provides internally. Prolonged use will leave you raw for hours without causing fissures.
The only issue I have with this toy is how hard it is to clean thoroughly. I recommend getting a toothbrush to use with your favorite toy cleaner, and just scrubbing the shit out of it.
And I love this brand! They are a company that sells prosthetic genitals with stand to pee capabilities for FTM individuals.
2. Large Thigg – Regular Firmness by DreadTheEmpire $100
Holy shit, you’d better be warmed up before you play with this badboy! Bring out the lube and say your prayers, submissives. This thing is fucking coming for your ass! Sissies…you too. That little cunny is about to meet its match. The balls make it the perfect fetish dildo for a strapon adventure, and its size will have even the most experienced painslut begging for mercy.
If their hole is so loose that this slides in and out of them with ease, go for the throat, literally. Facefuck your toys into oblivion with Thigg. They’ll thank you for it once they can speak again.
DreadTheEmpire advises you boil your sextoys before use, and again, I agree with the seller. Because it’s made from platinum silicone, do NOT store with other sex toys.
1. Patrick the Ogre Dildos Duel Density, X-Large by YiffMonkey $291.20
These dildos are not for novices, except as an expensive discussion piece for display. The x-large version of Patrick measures in at 13.5 inches in length with a 11.25 inch circumference at its widest, more than most pets ever learn to handle. From my own batch of subs only two have managed to take the entirety of this toy. And that was after months of training!
I’ve never attempted to fill my pussy with this one, but from the massive gratuities I received from both boys, I’d say they loved it!
You have a lot of options when it comes to Patrick, though. He’s available in different sizes and firmnesses, all at their own respective price point.